Are you scared to love me?
Does it show that I am scared to love you?
Maybe it is because I don’t know how to love me either?
I have been trying to figure out how to love myself
for many years now
I still am not sure what that looks like to say, I love me, I love you too.
When I don’t love me the most
I get scared that you won’t love me either.
When I love me the most
I know you will be with me forever.
I use to think of loving myself as selfish.
Then I used to think it was all in my ego to do that.
Then I realized when I was happy inside, selfish and ego weren’t an issue,
That I just wanted to spend time with you because I love you.
Again when I was happy.
And then I wake up and I am not so sure how I feel
And I take it out on you
Accusing you of things that were OK the day before.
I found out when I am not happy, you will not be happy with me either
As I try to take it out on you so I don’t have to face me.
How do I love me?
So that I can love you.
I was sitting on the floor one morning
On my way to an important meeting
And across from me was a mirror.
I took a quick glance only to see myself sitting on the floor tying my shoe.
When I looked up, I didn’t see me, I saw a person, sitting on the floor, tying their shoe.
It was a weird moment, however, I realized I WAS a person.
I stared at myself from a distance
I realized I looked like the people I see, not the person I know.
I started talking to myself.
I told myself,
You have a big meeting today,
I wish you well
When I said that I started to cry.
It felt so good to care about me
Like the words of a dear friend
I continued talking.
As I cried, I said, I am going to take care of you, my friend.
I am your friend.
I see you wake up every day, rush to get ready,
Yet I realized I never really see you at all.
I am sorry I never looked.
I judge you so harshly
And you are just making a way for yourself,
Whatever that is.
I promise to do right by you.
From this moment forward
I will understand when you don’t think you have done well that you have done your best
And I also promise not to hurt you more with the words in my head that take away from me.
I will remind myself that you did your best and maybe it was not meant to be for you.
I also promise that when things are going great to let you enjoy those moments for what they are,
A part of life that keeps you motivated to do the rest of it.
And I will remind myself that every purpose has a challenge and every challenge has a purpose
And that we are a team, My Heart, My Soul, and My Mind.
I will do right by you,
I will not let myself forget that you care and that I care.
As my Heart and Soul spoke to my Mind
I realized still that I am one, yet at times there feels like there are two of me,
One that loves and one that is harder on me than anyone I know.
I sat on that floor and saw myself new that day.
I got up and left feeling like I have a partner within myself
That I can be whole and awake to my actions
That I can do right by myself.
And with that, I understand what it means to do right by others too.
They ARE me and I AM them
Just as I have the voice in my head that either cheers me on or stops me in my tracks.
Joining myself with myself,
Gives me the path to join me with you.
I can love you more when I know what it feels like to love me more.
Love can only propel once it knows that it is there.